Listening

This week’s topic is “Listening”. Now I’m not talking about how people learn (as depicted in the chart below). I’m talking about communication and listening to people. A topic that almost everyone thinks they are good at (96% according to surveys). However, many issues in life are related to communication – either not communicating thoughts well enough so someone can understand or not active listening to show that you do or do not understand.

I’ve found there are some pretty common reasons why we don’t listen as good as we should. Among these are: 

• We’re moving too fast. We’re hearing or reading what’s being communicated, but we’re taking it at face value or not thinking about the full implications as we’re simply going too fast. We’re busy on so many things and it’s hard to get to everything. This leads to skimming and making assumptions or jumping to quick conclusions before hearing the whole story. 

• We’re multitasking / distracted. Chalk this one right up there with moving too fast. How many times have you been talking to someone and you can see they are busy doing something else. You could say just about anything and they’re responding with, “uh-huh” or “yep”. 

• We’re preparing our answer vs. listening to the question. (See Stephen Covery quote below) Some people are not really listening, they’re just waiting for their turn to talk. They’ve jumped to a conclusion based on the first sentence or two and are already formulating their reply. I find that listening fosters a good back-and-forth discussion. Questions and answers and peeling back the layers to really understand each other (BTW, great interviews feel like good discussions and not an interview). 

What is it that causes you not to listen? How do you feel when someone doesn’t listen to you? Does your body language and/or facial expressions back up that you’re listening and engaged? I’ve had a problem in the past where my facial expressions or body language didn’t match with what I was saying. It hurt my communication as it confused my audience. I’ve tried to get better at this over time and have improved, but there is always so much more to do. Part of what I needed to do was let team members know I was taking notes on a separate screen and that’s what I would be looking over at during our conversation. I wasn’t getting distracted by email or IM. 

People want to be heard. Specifically, people want to be heard when they are not happy with something. They want to be acknowledged. This goes for almost anyone. I see it in the workplace with upset clients or coworkers. When I get pulled into a situation where a client is upset, I have a process I go through in order to prepare for the discussion, have the discussion and follow up. It goes something like this. 

1. I’m made aware of the situation. I start doing my homework in parallel to having the seller setup a call with the client. It usually takes a couple of days to sync up with the client so I can dive in and review the SOW and project financials as well as talk to the Sales Professional, SA and project team members. This allows me to understand where the project stands according to our team. I can start wrapping my head around what the problem might be. This is only perception at this point and I can’t let it skew my discussion with the client. 

2. I have my meeting with the client. I tell them I am responsible for fixing the situation and I ask for their feedback. I let them pour it out. I ask for more details and clarification. I dig in to really understand where their frustration is and I acknowledge it. I want them to feel heard without taking responsibility at this point. I continue to probe to ask if there is anything else. I want them to get it all off of their chest and out in the open. Then I tell them what I heard. I want them to know that I truly did hear them. I offer up some ideas on what may be good steps to rectify the situation and satisfy them while letting them know I would need to go back and discuss with my team as well to bring forward a plan. I also confirm a next meeting with them to discuss follow up steps. Finally, I thank them for the feedback. This is truly a gift. Some clients just walk away and you never know what you did wrong. I usually send the client a follow up email that same day thanking them and summarizing what I heard and reiterating next steps. 

3. Next I go back and work with the team to determine what we will be doing to mitigate the situation. I already have a good idea what the client wants as I asked them. It’s crucial to get our team in problem solving mode and not defensive (they are experts at solving problems). We come up with our solution and I prepare to discuss with the client at our follow up meeting. 

4. During the follow up call I do a very high level review of where we stand with the project and then go into the pitch on how we go forward from here. This usually drives a very good and productive discussion on how we get to a successful outcome (focusing on this outcome is crucial). I’ve found that clients are really engaged in this part of the process. They feel they’ve been heard and have input into where we’re going and someone cares. We always come to an agreement on next steps and what we’re all going to be responsible for. We also agree on my involvement moving forward as well as their leadership team (let’s work together and not let this get off the rails again). It’s an amazing feeling to get to this point. However, the work is just beginning. Now we (us and the client) have to live up to our ends of the agreement. 

5. I will schedule internal check-in calls with both the project team and the client leadership team. I want to make sure everyone is on the same page. I openly talk to the client about risks and where we need them to step up for the project to be successful as well as where our team needs to step up. Being open, honest and transparent is key during these times. Let them know how much you care about the success of the project by asking probing questions and offering up potential risks. 

What I’ve found over the years is that clients truly respond to this type of approach (spouses may not) if you are invested and authentic in how you approach and execute it. There is a phenomena called the service recovery paradox (SRP). This says that a customer's satisfaction with a company increases after a service failure is resolved, compared to if there had been no failure in the first place. Meaning you can have a more loyal customer after an issue than a customer where you had no issues. This all depends on how you respond. We talk a lot about “running to the fire”. This is what is means in day-to-day practice. 

The other place where I’ve used “listening” as a manager (and Dad) is with the power of silence. It’s amazing what people will tell you when you’re not quick to respond or jump in with the next thought. Many people feel the need to fill that empty space. Giving people that couple of extra seconds comes naturally to me – I’m an introvert, I’m curious and I like to think about things. When someone (a team member or one of my kids when they were younger) is talking to me, I’ll ask questions and let them respond and I’ll leave some whitespace where they feel the need to fill it. I’ve learned more in my lifetime just by being quiet for a couple of seconds than I could have with the best questions around. It also helps people get out everything they need to. They don’t always have a neat little list in their head that they are reading through. They’ll forget and this give them a chance to add something else into the conversation. I’m giving them that time to get their idea fully out. When I was a manager in Milwaukee, my team used to call this the “Horejs Jedi mind f**k”. They knew they were falling into it, but couldn’t stop themselves from just talking more and more. 

I hope you are aware of what you do well and where you need to continue to improve. This is something we use in all parts of our lives and really enhances our quality of relationships. We all have ups and downs with it and need that reminder every once in a while. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes on listening and silence: 

Medical science has discovered that a person's ear becomes larger with age. Could it be Mother Nature’s way of suggesting we listen more and talk less?

Unknown 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

 

Listening is not understanding the words of the question asked, listening is understanding why the questions are asked in the first place.

Simon Sinek

 

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen R Covey

 

There is nothing stronger than the power of silence.

Lao Tzu

 

Silence is the tool of the wise, the weapon of the strong.

Unknown

 

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Sir Winston Churchill

 

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.

Epictetus

 

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

Craig Rees

 

“Still a man hears what he wants to hear

And disregards the rest”

Simon & Garfunkel, The Boxer

 

Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.

Plato